I'm too macho for anxiety

Tales from The Idiot Chronicles

Author

Swanagan Ray
January 02, 2024

I stumble out of bed in the dark.

Groggily look at the alarm clock; it’s 3 AM.

Intense discomfort hugs me like a blanket. Feels like I’ve been wrestling loose insulation in a bed of poison ivy.

I click on the light in the bathroom and glance in the mirror. I’m covered in red blotches HEAD TO TOE.

I looked like the michelin man would if he were dropped in a vat of sriracha.

I had hives. Really bad hives. 

So I drove to the emergency room and got a shot of steroids in the leg. Feeling better, and the hives subsiding, I drove to work.

Only to have a co-worker point out that I had red splotches showing up on my face at lunch time: “Uh, Swanagan, what did you just eat??”

So, back to the emergency room. 

Got some high powered oral steroids this time. Sweet, should be good to go now. 

Nope! Back in my apartment, the intense discomfort hit me again. This time with waves of anxiety. “What is happening?!”

I was having an anxiety attack, that’s what was happening. 

Some backstory…

I had just moved to SC from WV. 

First time moving away from the place I grew up. 

All my family lived in WV, and I didn’t know anyone in SC. 

But I got this great job in a great city. The opportunity was too good to pass up.

So I worked my last day at my old job on Friday, moved states on Saturday, and started the new job on Monday. It was a whirlwind.

And then the steroid-resistant hives hit. So I downed 3 more industrial-strength steroid pills. No relief. I started hyperventilating. 

In my new apartment, standing at the open door of the freezer, I did some emergency googling. Stumbled on a Reddit post about hives being a result of anxiety and high stress. 

Hmm… 

But I didn’t have anxiety. Under a lot of stress, sure. Anxiety was just an excuse people used. I’m a man. All I had to do was ignore my feelings and keep working, right?

Wrong. 

I was learning at 26 that I wasn’t invincible. Anxiety was very real. My skin was living proof. 

And I was desperate enough to try anything. So, taking the advice of random redditors, I decided to try meditation.

So I downloaded the Calm app, went out on my balcony and did the Meditation 1 for beginners session.

The hives didn’t disappear immediately. 

But after doing 10 minutes of meditation and breathwork each morning and evening for 3-4 days my skin was basically clear.

New life habit unlocked. 

Since then, meditation has been a cornerstone activity. In countless other situations, I have fallen back on breathing and mindfulness techniques to gain control and find a greater measure of inner peace. 

Behind writing, it has been the single highest leverage activity I engage every day.

It literally changed my life and opened up the mental capacity to do stuff I never thought possible. 

But don’t just take my word for it.

“And, after nearly 200 hours of conversations with world-class performers all over the map, including people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jamie Foxx, Tony Robbins, Maria Popova, Peter Thiel, Marc Andreessen, Amanda Palmer, Malcolm Gladwell, Rick Rubin, Reid Hoffman, and so many more, you start to spot patterns… meditation, or practicing mindfulness, is by far the most common pattern across them all.” - Tim Ferriss

At the end of the day, many problems are largely mental warfare. 

Your best defense is a calm mind and a toolkit to create stillness at a moment’s notice.

Here are my favorite tools:

There are so many others though. It’s not one size fits all. I would encourage you to do some research and find what works for you.

A meditative practice is essential to any sort of creation, be it content, business, or art. All creativity starts with a clear mind. You’re doing yourself a disservice by not using meditation as a power up.

So, go get some stillness. 

Swanagan

P.S., Do you have a meditation practice? Let me know!